This will be the hardest post I've ever written. I am, by nature, a private person. I LOVE to talk and gab with the girls, but when it comes to sharing personal things it is a bit harder for me. I have to work on letting people see the vulnerable side of me.
Andy and I were married in 2004 and it was several years before I had the desire to have children. But, when the desire came it was consuming. I wanted to become a mother and I think that God lets us have those feelings. It's the way he intended for it to be. We tried for about 8 or 9 months before I ever saw my doctor. He referred me to the infertility department because of some problems I was experiencing. The day we met with the infertility nurse was one of the toughest days I've ever experienced. Every fear and insecurity I had was confirmed.
The chances of you getting pregnant on your own are very slim. It could take a while for it to happen. You could need extensive intervention. I won't say it's impossible, because God is in control, but it's almost impossible. (I am hesistant to even write this because as we all know I do have a child. There are others who haven't yet and I CANNOT imagine the heartache they must feel. ) I'll spare a lot of details, but I begged God for a child. There were medical hold-ups and I never got to start fertility medicine. The month I was supposed to have surgery, the Lord blessed us with a successful pregnancy. I've always acknowledged that it was God who blessed us with Jack. But today, my heart was reminded even more than ever.
Today, I went for my first blood drawing to begin treatment with the infertility clinic in hopes of conceiving our next child. I told myself that I wasn't going to be emotional. I've been here before...I know I've gotten pregnant before...etc. When I went in, the nurse talked with me and spoke about how it had been a while (almost 3 years since I started my last treatment). She looked at me and broke my tender heart again. How does someone's words have so much power?
I want you to prepare yourself. This isn't going to be easy. It's going to be much harder this time. Why? Because I'm 3 years older?
No, you shouldn't have gotten pregnant last time. You were very lucky. No, I was blessed.
I want you to get yourself ready. You just got lucky last time. No, God's will is his will, but it's going to be much harder this time and I need you to hold up.
My heart instantly broke. Am I sad that it will possibly take a long time for me to conceive? Yes, but that wasn't it. She confirmed, again, for me everything I already knew. Jack was sent to me straight from the Lord. I know that I was blessed with him. That's why I titled my blog, Brandee's Blessing. He isn't my only blessing, by any means, but it is the most powerful way that God has ever revealed himself to me. I got so emotional, and still am, by the thoughts that I could have missed out on him. I feel so blessed to know that the Lord heard and answered my prayer. It brought this song to my heart,
"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!
I am reminded of God's faithfulness. He has never failed me and never will. If I am blessed to be a mother again...Praise be to God! If not, Praise be to God for his faithfulness.
